When my mother passed away recently, I was struck by an unexpected absence of emotion. There were no tears, no profound sense of loss—just a heavy emptiness. This lack of feeling wasn’t a defense mechanism or a delayed reaction; it was the culmination of a lifetime spent under the shadow of a mother with severe narcissistic personality disorder.
Throughout my life, my mother subjected me to relentless verbal, emotional, and at times, physical abuse. Her words were weapons, meticulously chosen to inflict maximum pain. Phrases like “I hate you” and “Your love is worthless to me” were common refrains, designed to undermine any sense of self-worth I tried to build.
In our society, there’s a pervasive belief that all mothers are inherently loving and nurturing. This “Mother Myth” creates a stigma against those who speak out about maternal abuse, leading to isolation and misunderstanding. The expectation to honor and cherish one’s mother, regardless of her actions, often silences victims of maternal abuse.
Forgiveness is frequently touted as a necessary step toward healing. However, in cases of prolonged abuse, forgiveness can feel like a dismissal of the very real pain endured. I reached a point where I acknowledged my feelings without the pressure to forgive, understanding that this was essential for my own mental health.
Now, in the aftermath of her death, I find myself grappling with a complex mix of emotions. While there’s relief in knowing she can no longer cause harm, there’s also a profound sense of loss—not for the mother I had, but for the nurturing relationship I was denied. It’s a mourning not of her passing, but of the maternal love I never received.
To others who have endured similar experiences, know that feeling numb or even relieved after the death of an abusive parent is a valid response. Grief doesn’t always manifest as sadness; sometimes, it’s the quiet acknowledgment of what was and what will never be. Embracing this truth is a step toward healing and self-acceptance.